First Cycle

So, I was supposed to get my bloodwork done this Friday. Thanks to severe cramps, nausea, and dizziness I got it done on Monday.  There was concern that a cyst ruptured and that I could of been bleeding into my abdomen. Thankfully I have no cyst so that wasn't the problem. :)

This cycle did not work. I am NOT pregnant. Of course I am devastated and filled with many different emotions.  However I know that eventually it will happen.  Looks like we have more figuring out to do. Thankfully we still have options left. One way or another we will have a family at some point in the future.  

I have to go back to my OBGYN to discuss my next cycle and make a plan.  Trying is definitely the hardest part.  I know I didn't do anything wrong that made the cycle not take, but I still feel responsible some what.  It's been a long road and I know we have a long road ahead of us. 

I am so thankful that I have a wonderful doctor that doesn't sugar coat stuff. 

I am even more thankful for my loving and supporting husband.  He is being a trooper.  I don't know how in the world he puts up with me some days.  I don't know what I would do without him <3

Until next time....

Dr. Appointment 8/29

So today was a crazy day.  I went to the doctor's office twice and had to go to have more labs drawn.

Today, I went in for an ultrasound and to get the hCG shot.  The ultra sound was not the most fun thing in the world but I survived :)  My uterus is severely tilted in the wrong direction, I have a large follicle that may be too "ripe", have fluid around my ovary, and I have failed to ovulate again!!!  The follicle was in normal limits but was on the high side of the scale.  We decided to do labs to see if I naturally ovulated to see if I even needed the hCG shot.

The lab worked confirmed what I already knew since I have been doing ovulation test for days now.  I once again have not ovulated.  Needless to say I needed the hCG shot.  So, I went back to the doctor's office again and talked to the doctor, and got my shot.  Wow that shot did not hurt but dang it hurts now.  Hopefully, I will ovulate within 36-48 hours!!  That is the goal.  I have to get labs drawn Saturday to see if I ovulated or not.  In a few weeks we will obviously know if all are hard work has paid off or not. 

Overall the doctor is very happy with how things look!!  Even though the doctor is happy I feel like things are still not right.  I shouldn't have to go through all of this.  Between the Endometriosis, surgery, Lupron, menopause, infertility, fertility treatments, now a retarded uterus(which can cause miscarriage since it's tilted) haven't I suffered enough?!?!?  I know life isn't fair but oh my goodness this is horrible!  I know things will eventually be okay but I don't know how much more my body can take mentally, emotionally, and physically!! 

I hope this treatment works and everything works out for the best.  If this cycle of treatment doesn't work then we have to try something else. 

Thank you all for your support it is very much appreciated :)  Until next time....

Waiting and Not Knowing

Here I am babysitting 2 of the sweetest children I know.  A true little Princess and a ver Inspirational little boy that has a wonderful outlook on life.  These 2 kids touch my heart in so many ways.  All the kids I watch hold a special place in my heart at the end of the day.  Children are such a precious gift.  We are to teach them the things in life that they need to know.  However, kids teach us so much too.  It is amazing how much a child can show you when you least expect it.  Almost everyday I see a child that bring me joy just like I bring them joy as well.  These children are not mine in anyway but I treat them like they are.

I am learning that if all my fertility treatments, shots, etc, don't work that it will be okay.  Life will go on one way or another.  If my infertility is permanent I will be thankful I am not worse off like some.  Everyday brings a new thought, emotion, or physical pain.  Endometriosis has really changed my life.  I thought having a fatal skin disease(Steven-Johsnons Syndrome) was bad enough.  Yeah, I know if it is some odd ball illness it will happen to me.  I have always been the person to get odd stuff.  I guess being an science experiment was in the cards I was dealt.   In the past 3.5 years so much has changed and my life will continue to change.  I hope that is only for the better.

On, August 29th I will be doing a hCG shot with the assistance of an ultrasound.  The plan is that in 2 weeks 2 days after the injection I will take a sensitive blood pregnancy test.  To say I am happy, excited, and hopeful about the thought that we maybe parents one day is an understatement.  At the same time I am terrified, nervous, freaked out, stressed, and so many other things it isn't even funny.  I have been counting down the days until I get the shot.  The "What If's" are taking place in my mind.  If this doesn't work I am going to be devastated!!  I never expected to be told that I was infertile at 23, I'll need assistance to be pregnant, and that if it doesn't happen with in a year or 2 it may never happen thanks to my Endo.  When life throws me lemons , I try to make lemonade out of them but it can be hard to do sometimes.

Waiting around and not knowing what the future holds is the hardest thing.  I know I have to be patient but this is taking forever ;)  I have waited this long I might as well wait some more until it's my time.  That is so much easier said than done!!

My husband has been a great sport about this whole thing.  He has been supportive this whole time it's wonderful.  I don't give him enough credit at all.  So John, if your reading this know how much I love you and that your support is more than I can ask for!! <3 <3 <3 <3  You are the BEST!

Until next time my friends...

August 16th!

So after a lot of talking and thinking we decided that being put back on birth control isn't the best option.  Since my body doesn't ovulate that we should let it start working properly again.  Being on birth control can cause issues down the road.  On the 14th I went to my gynecologist to discuss our plan of action and where to go from there.  We had that all figured out.  On the 15th, I went to my PCM who is a little concerned about my TSH(thyroid hormone) was higher than normal at the end of July when the blood was drawn.  My Gyno did blood work on Tuesday and my TSH was very normal.   So it looks like my TSH is going crazy.  I go back in a month to retest it.  Blood work still shows I haven't ovulated still.  This is just so darn frustrating!!!!  I was also diagnosed with Hypoglycemia which I already knew I had.  So good news is my Acarbose the doctor put me on is keeping my blood sugar from dropping too low like it usually did. 

Last night after I got home from the doctor I started bleeding.  I HAVE MY FIRST PERIOD SINCE JANUARY 2011!!!!  YAY, finally!  I know most people wouldn't be happy but this shows my body is at least trying to function right :) :)  I still won't ovulate at this point.  However, with medications my body will eventually start working fully. Since I am having a period though it is causing my Endometriosis to bleed so I am having bad pain again.  I have to suck it up and let my body adjust to functioning again.

So many of my friends are either getting pregnant or having their babies.  It is so exciting but at the same time it hurts.   I am very happy for all of them it's just the thought of that may never happen for us.  It's harder watching women having abortions left and right when I want to have children but my body isn't doing what it needs to for that to happen.  I have a limited time frame to have a baby if that is what we want(which it is) since with every period my Endometriosis bleeds, grows and spreads. 

There is a lot going on and so much to do.  More testing, appointments, thinking positive, and praying to do.  It will get worse before getting better.  I have faith that one day it will all work itself out.. Hopefully, sooner rather than later!

I will create a new blog in relation to this one when it is time to share the journey of this horrible mess and hopefully one day pregnancy and motherhood!!

Until next time....PLEASE KEEP US IN YOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS!!! <3

Dr. Appointment 6/8/12

So I went to the gyno  on August 1st to get an exam and do blood work.  He did a pregnancy text and also check to see if I had ovulated recently.   We talked about the Depo shot, Implanon, and how for me my biological clock is backwards.  If I wait to long to have a baby it probably won't happen.

Yesterday, August 8th I went back for the results.  I am not pregnant and I am NOT ovulating at all as of now.  So obviously as of now I can't have children.  That may or may not change. Also if I ever want to have a baby I will have take fertility meds and will be consider high risk for multiple reasons. My heart was completely crushed and still is.  I was told I have 2 options. One is to be put back on birth control to suppress my hormones even more and potentially never get pregnant. I haven't ovulated since January 2011 since I started birth control in February 2011, then surgery, then Lupron.  If I continue birth control it may permanently  mess my reproductive system up more than it is.  My second option is to start fertility meds to induce ovulation and try to get pregnant within a few months to a year from now.  I'd have to see a few specialist because I am at a higher risk of something going wrong.

There is obviously a lot of information to think about.  John and I have discussed everything and have our answer. Hopefully the doctor will be able to fix everything :)

Update as of July 21

It has been a while since my last post.  A few things have changed.  I am now married to my best friend and love of my life John :) :)  I started online schooling to be a Pharmacy Technician.  Also my body has decided that it wants to bleed, and cause me more pain for the past 4 days.  I go to the doctor on the 24th and I hope and pray they can figure something out.  I guess I am having a period but I do not know if that is what this is.  I haven't had a period since January 2011.  So talk about a surprise that I did not want to have in the afternoon.  I once again am having horrible moods.  I know that I have to keep pushing myself to do the things I need to get done whether I have pain or not.  My pain is like it was before I had surgery.  I am so confused by this since I have no ovary on my left side and that is were a lot of the pain is.  When I say pain I mean pain, pressure, and a throbbing stabbing sensation all at the same time.  I feel like I am going into labor but I am not pregnant, trust me I am not!! 

Everyday my body feels different.  Good moods, bad moods, no pain, terrible pain, headaches, no headaches, urine incontinence, no urine incontinence, the list goes on and on.  Everyday something is happening whether it's good or bad, but my joint pain stays the same.  I regret having the Lupron injection but I do not regret having surgery.  My body is still healing from surgery and the shot.  I know that i will take time to figure out what is going on now but I know it will get fixed.  It may not get fixed soon enough but it will over time.  I am confident that everything will be okay no matter what is happening or happens in the future. 

At the end of the day I am thankful that I have it as good as I have it.  Others are less fortunate and are literally fighting for their lives from many different illnesses. 

Take care until next time....

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde

Well things have been going so so lately. I just have been having some mood swings that are ridiculou, but aren't too often.  I go from laughing to serial killer status in .3 seconds!!!! I have started taking only 2.5 mg of my 5 mg hormone pills every 2 days or so. It is making a difference I have been a little bit happier. My mood swings are less frequent but I am still a bitch when they I occur. Hopefully, I will be off the medicine by the end of June. I think that with a little more time I will be happier and back to my old self. My body has decided that I shouldn't get any sleep. I'm sure it is due to the decrease of hormone pill. However, I can't depend on these pills for forever.

Hot flashes are no joke.  They have gotten crazy.  I feel like I have a fever about 10 hours out of the day.  My body is slowly cooking itself form the inside out.  Joint pain has been a problem once again.  My knees want to buckle after being n my feet after about 5 minutes. 

My left side has started to hurt again.  It is a pain in the butt.  I don't see why it hurts in the same place that it did before surgery, since my ovary is gone.  Hopefully, when I go to the doctor soon they will be able to see what's going on in there.  I hope that everything looks okay and that the shot did some type of good.

It has been a long road for myself, John, close family and friends.  My body is doing what it wants to on its own.  I am hopeful that my body starts to regulates itself soon, and I hope it is real soon.   I am becoming happy again, some pain here and there, no cycle, crazy side effects, but I know things could be worse.

I am thankful for my boyfriend John, my family, and friends that have supported me during this time.  :)

First and Last treatment is DONE! NOW time for me to Recover!

Finally, the 3 month mark came on April 16th, my 23rd birthday.  Now only time will tell what this medication has done to my body.  Hopefully, the affects will wear off in a few weeks.  If not I guess I'll keep taking my hormone pills until I feel somewhat "NORMAL" again. 

I am not under any circumstances having my second Lupron shot.  However, I am continuing my 5mg hormone pill everyday for a few more months to help with the "normal" side effects from the drug(hot flashes, mood swings, bone loss, and headaches).  You could not pay me enough money in the world to do something that stupid!  My hot flashes, pelvic bone pain,  dry skin, and indigestion have gotten a little worse in the past week.  However, worse things could of been getting worse.  I know my body is now trying to transition itself again.  I know I am looking at my side effects getting more intense while the Lupron wears off and I slowly re-adjust.  I have picked up an old hobby of mine that I started when I was about 8.  I am now making custom little girls tutu's, dresses, and hair accessories by hand.  I am so happy that I am back into something I love doing!  If you would like any custom items you can find me at Sew Girly by Sara on facebook.  I have noticed that I feel better about what is going on when I am sewing or doing crafts.  It puts my mind at ease.  Trust me,  that is a great thing to have right now!

I hope and I pray everyday that my body gets back to a "normal" way of functioning.  Yes, I know that m Endometriosis will continue to affect me unless it is cut off or I have whats left of my reproductive system removed.  Only time will tell if this shot has helped or if it has actually made me worse.  I know some things it has made worse.  I am confident that no matter what this awful drug throws my way that I will be able to beat it and overcome what has become a painful adventure.  My body and mind are exhausted and are hurting.  I am very thankful that I have such an amazing boyfriend, family, and friends.  As time goes by we will all know what benefits, and what long term side effects I will have from Lupron.  Trust me I will let you know!  Remember Lupron is not a joke and has killed people from reactions, short and long term side effects.  It effects simple everyday routines.  It is a poision that breaks down your bones and weakens your entire body.  It may help your pain during those 3 or 6 months of treatment but your pain will come back without it.  It is recommended that anyone that takes Lupron should NEVER DO MORE THAN A 6 MONTH TREATMENT IN A LIFETIME EXCEPT FOR CANCER PATIENTS!!  THAT IS HOW POTENT IT IS!

Maybe on the next post I make I can say I have a healthy menstrual cycle, my only ovary works, and all side effects are gone!!  Have a great day :)

2 Months Down, Maybe a Lifetime to Go!

Since my last blog nothing has really changed except my spine now hurts everyday at some point, my knees swell, all my joints hurt, my hair continues to fall out, the mood swings are bad once again, I got sick and I feel weak.  I feel like I am one giant transplant that my body is rejecting.  My body is getting very tired.  

I feel like saying to people that say they know exactly what I'm going through even though they have no idea the MTV's TruLife statement:  "You think you know, but you have NO idea".  Unless you have had this happen to you, you honestly have no idea.  If you don't know how this feels you are so blessed to not know.  Anyways....

On April 16th which is my 23rd birthday will be the 90th day of my 90 day injection treatment.  It will be like D-Day for me I will be free but not out of the woods.  I will be so happy when my body gets back to something like normal.  Hopefully, my body will start working properly and all the side effects of the Lupron will go away.  I don't mean to be a "Negative Nancy", but I know the side effects will affect me forever. 

I keep thinking about the long term side effects of this medication and it saddens me deeply.  From Will I be able to have children of my own?  What would not being able to have children do to John and my relationship?  Will the mood swings and anger break us up?  Will this Chemotherapy drug slowly kill all of my good cells?  Will I get cancer like a lot of other Lupron patients?  Did I just ruin my life by getting this shot?  There are a lot more questions that only time will answer.  I wish doctors would give you all the information or even the pharmaceutical companies would.  I had to read a  "side effects list" from the pharmaceutical company and sign it before getting the shot.  About 3/4 of the side effects I am or have experienced were not on there or ever mentioned to me.  I looked up why health insurance doesn't cover Lupron it's because the long term side effects are so damn bad they don't want to pay for such a toxin.  I don't blame them.  I wish I knew what I know now.  I signed my life away so some pharmaceutical company could use me as a guinea pig.  It's sad but I do feel like a damn guinea pig while my doctor makes money, while my body slowly deteriorate before my eyes.  A full course of treatment is 6 months of hell.  Well, 3 months will be just long enough for me!!!!  Hell the past 2 months have been enough for me and everyone involved.  Believe me I AM NOT getting the second dose of the Lupron. 

At the end of the day all I want to be my old self again the Sara that existed before the pain began.  My relationship has suffered so much since around December 2009.  It has been a challenge, a hard thing to overcome, but we have.  I am so glad that the man I love understands even in my darkest moments.  Especially, when I know he wants to strangle me (which he would ever actually do, it is a figure of speech).  I know that one day the old Sara will be back, but it is going to take time.  I have to heal physically from my surgery back in December, the Lupron, and the side effects.  I have to heal mentally and emotionally from the stress, anxiety, depression, weight gain, and anger the Lupron has caused me.  After all of this is said and done with I hope and pray that I am endometriosis free, and back to my normal old Sara self :)

2 months, 19 days and WTF?!?

I have no idea where to begin.  I guess I should let everyone know I haven't lost my mind too terribly much since my last blog.

My pelvic pain has been flaring up more recently.  My back is popping and cracking all the way to my butt(which is an unpleasant feeling).  Hot flashes have been crazy the past few days.  Talk about mood swings galore.  Ugh I am miserable.  Not to mention I have no energy, my hair is falling out and my bones are hurting so bad.  I am having horrible migraines, my eyes hurt worse than normal and my hearing is getting worse.  

I have been doing a lot of research on Lupron, and the short and long term effects of this drug.  Well, what do you know all of the side effects were not given to me to make a better judgement on the medicine.  I am so upset with my doctor, and the pharmaceutical company for even allowing this medicine on the market.  More people have been hurt by it than helped.  This is a Chemotherapy drug and it is a very serious and toxic drug to put into your body.  I do NOT recommend anyone no matter what to take this medicine.  The FDA released a letter years ago that showed that the scientist working on Lupron falsified 80% of his documentation on the side effects and benefits of this drug.  I mean really?!?!  You are playing with people's lives here and they don't care.  They are poisoning people to make money.  I wish the next lawsuit that goes to court to ban this medication wins and no one has to ever be injected with this nasty medicine. 

Hopefully, I am not one of the many that have to deal with horrible and life threatening effects of this medication.  I know a few of you that read my blog are on this shot as well.  I recommend doing your research on this drug and what it is doing to your body.
WE ARE REALLY LIVING IN AN NIGHTMARE!!!!!!