Since my last blog nothing has really changed except my spine now hurts everyday at some point, my knees swell, all my joints hurt, my hair continues to fall out, the mood swings are bad once again, I got sick and I feel weak. I feel like I am one giant transplant that my body is rejecting. My body is getting very tired.
I feel like saying to people that say they know exactly what I'm going through even though they have no idea the MTV's TruLife statement: "You think you know, but you have NO idea". Unless you have had this happen to you, you honestly have no idea. If you don't know how this feels you are so blessed to not know. Anyways....
On April 16th which is my 23rd birthday will be the 90th day of my 90 day injection treatment. It will be like D-Day for me I will be free but not out of the woods. I will be so happy when my body gets back to something like normal. Hopefully, my body will start working properly and all the side effects of the Lupron will go away. I don't mean to be a "Negative Nancy", but I know the side effects will affect me forever.
I keep thinking about the long term side effects of this medication and it saddens me deeply. From Will I be able to have children of my own? What would not being able to have children do to John and my relationship? Will the mood swings and anger break us up? Will this Chemotherapy drug slowly kill all of my good cells? Will I get cancer like a lot of other Lupron patients? Did I just ruin my life by getting this shot? There are a lot more questions that only time will answer. I wish doctors would give you all the information or even the pharmaceutical companies would. I had to read a "side effects list" from the pharmaceutical company and sign it before getting the shot. About 3/4 of the side effects I am or have experienced were not on there or ever mentioned to me. I looked up why health insurance doesn't cover Lupron it's because the long term side effects are so damn bad they don't want to pay for such a toxin. I don't blame them. I wish I knew what I know now. I signed my life away so some pharmaceutical company could use me as a guinea pig. It's sad but I do feel like a damn guinea pig while my doctor makes money, while my body slowly deteriorate before my eyes. A full course of treatment is 6 months of hell. Well, 3 months will be just long enough for me!!!! Hell the past 2 months have been enough for me and everyone involved. Believe me I AM NOT getting the second dose of the Lupron.
At the end of the day all I want to be my old self again the Sara that existed before the pain began. My relationship has suffered so much since around December 2009. It has been a challenge, a hard thing to overcome, but we have. I am so glad that the man I love understands even in my darkest moments. Especially, when I know he wants to strangle me (which he would ever actually do, it is a figure of speech). I know that one day the old Sara will be back, but it is going to take time. I have to heal physically from my surgery back in December, the Lupron, and the side effects. I have to heal mentally and emotionally from the stress, anxiety, depression, weight gain, and anger the Lupron has caused me. After all of this is said and done with I hope and pray that I am endometriosis free, and back to my normal old Sara self :)
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