Day of Hope

Today is the Day of Hope. A day where those who have lost babies and children celebrate their short but precious lives.

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/international-dates/august-19th-day-of-hope

Well today I celebrate not only the tiny life that I lost in 2009 but the two we just lost.

See 5 days after our ET we got a positive hpt. The next day the test was still positive but became very faint. I had taken test everyday since my hcg trigger. This way I would know when I could test and get a real positive. It is one of those things you want to deny you don't want to believe really happened. Who really wants to think about that our cycle was working an then something happened? Who wants to blame themselves even when they did nothing wrong?  Who wants to think about the act that there dream was coming true and suddenly it stopped being real?  I know I don't but its a harsh reality that this is what happened.  It looks like I had a chemical pregnancy. We do not know why and may never know.  I have a hunch that maybe my Hashimotos Thyroiditis may of played some kind of role in this :( 

I am now having he dreaded period and those beautiful Blastocyst are no more.  We did everything we could to give them life and they had it for a brief week and a half.  I believe life starts at conception and their life did.  For whatever reason it wasn't meant to be.  They weren't meant to stay inside of me and grow into a beautiful baby or babies.  I will never understand why this happened but I have to pick myself up and keep pushing forward!

This whole journey has been so complicated, stressful, exciting at times, depressing at other times, and all around a learning process! John and I have learned that no matter what we get ourselves into we will stand by each other.  We can get through anything.  We can still find peace, hope, and faith in our darkest moments.  We have also realized that none of this infertility stuff is our fault.  This is just the hand we were dealt.
 
So whats next?????  Due to a upcoming trip that we will not cancel we have delayed our FET.  I go the beginning of September for a followup with my RE and discuss what we need to do.  We will see what my lab results are and go from there.  The plan is to hopefully start my FET medications as soon as September's period starts.  We just have to wait and see!

Some people ask why we even out ourselves through this and why keep trying?  Well this is our choice.  When we first started this journey with Endometriosis we had NO idea it would lead us to Infertility and IVF!  We had no idea what was going on.  We tried having a baby the old fashion way and shocker... no pregnancy.  We tried IUIs and still no pregnancy.  When we found out my tube was obstructed we exhausted all of the options besides another surgery to try to fix it.  Nothing worked.  With surgery we only had maybe a 2% of fixing the entire tube.  We knew John was/is 100% fine in the fertility department.  It's just me.  I am the problem.  Okay, my lady parts are the problem not all of me.  This led us to our final option on having our own biological children.....IVF!  IVF is very expensive and isn't 100%.  Having sex doesn't have a 100% guarantee either that you will get pregnant and have a baby!  Nothing is guaranteed in this life and babies definitely aren't.  If you have been in these shoes then you know why you went through all of the tears, heartbreak, injections, tests, surgeries, and the struggle.  If you haven't been in these shoes do NOT judge us that are.  You truly have no idea what this is like. 

Things you don't say to an infertile person/couple:
1."You must not really have wanted to have a child or you would have one."
2."Just relax! It will happen!"
3. "Oh man, my husband just looks at me and I get pregnant."
4.“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to get pregnant, it just happened.” 
5. “You’re lucky you aren’t dealing with a kid that doesn’t sleep!” 
6."Think of how much money you are saving by not having a child.”
7.“Why don’t you just adopt?” 
8."Oh, you're still young.  It'll happen."
9."I wish I had that problem!"
10."There are too many people in the world anyway."
11."I think that people who have infertility treatments are selfish."
*** There are so many more!! Just remember just because you have a child doesn't mean Infertility can't happen to you!  


Until next time..............

“When the time is right, it will happen. Just have faith.” - See more at: http://www.hipsterhomemaker.com/things-you-never-say-to-a-person-struggling-with-infertility/#sthash.3QQefjC3.dpuf

“Just stop trying and it will happen!”

“Just stop trying and it will happen!”

“Just stop trying and it will happen!”

“Just stop trying and it will happen!”Until next time........

Pregnant or Not Pregnant???

Pregnant or Not Pregnant is the question many have been wondering!

Well I would first like to say that when you start a IVF cycle your so pumped and ready to go.  You only think about the positives never the what ifs.  When doing IVF you should really consider the positives and negatives so you don't get your hopes to high.  IVF is not 100% but it can make dreams come true. 

Yesterday morning at 7:50 I was inProvidence  getting my blood work done.  Waiting for the results was the hardest part of this whole process. At 2:10pm I saw the results online in my chart.  I waited for the doctor to call to confirm. She called at 2:34pm.  She confirmed that everything we hoped and prayed for wasn't so. 

Our IVF cycle FAILED and I am NOT pregnant!!  Talk about a stab right in the heart and uterus!!  I was completely broken inside. John was at work so I texted him saying the doctor had called. About 30 minutes after she called he did.  I told him and I could tell he was filled with disappointment like I was and still am. 

It hasn't completely set in yet and probably won't until my period comes.  That is now 3 days late go figure!  The next few days and weeks is truly going to be hard on us. I'm in between the upset, disappointment and angry phases right now. 

So what's next you ask? Well I simply wait for my period to come. During that time those 2 beautiful blastocyst our little ones will be flushed out of my body for forever! After my period ends we will check my hormone levels. If they are normal then we can start planning out next step which is a Frozen Embryo Transfer(FET).  This is done a little different than a fresh cycle bit hopefully it will work. We can so this as soon as September.  The chances of a IVF cycle working is really a case by case thing. This cycle we had a 60-70% chance of it working an sadly it didn't. For whatever reason neither blastocyst implant. Science doesn't have a complete understanding why this happens!! 

Here is what we've learned through this process that gives us hope:

1. With the right medications I can be stimulated to produce multiple healthy eggs. 

2. Nothing is wrong with John fertility wise which we already knew. 

3. My eggs can be fertilized. 

4. Our fertilized eggs can turn into beautiful Blastocysts. 

5. We have one snow baby or frosty that we can use. 

6. That snow baby has a 95% chance of surviving the thawing process. 

7. The snow baby has a 50% chance of implanting. 

8. WE DISNT DO ANYTHING WRONG TO CAUAE THIS NOT TO WORK!  We did everything we were told to do and did it. If I had questions I would email the nurse. 

Hope is not completely lost yet!  We hopefully have one more try. This may be out last opportunity to try IVF considering its so darn expensive!  However I don't think we will give up. 

So for now if you could keep us in your thoughts and prayers that we make it through this difficult time we would appreciate it. 

I'd like to thank our family and friends that have been there since the beginning!! Between swapping work days with John to some lovely ladies going to appointments with me we greatly appreciate all of your love and support!! I also know many reading this will not know what to say to myself or John and that is okay. Just be there. 

Until next time......

Tomorrow's the BIG Day!

Well tomorrow we will find out if our IVF cycle worked!!! I am filled with many mixed emotions. I'm excited but fearful at the same time. 

I have been bad and have been doing HPTs. They all have been negative. The one this morning was negative as well. Now anything can happen between now and tomorrow. It could just be too early to tell or not pregnant. I'm praying its just too early to tell!! Everyone's body metabolizes differently and we know I metabolize very very slowly so this could be the case. I thought I had some spotting on Friday but my mind could of been playing tricks on me. 

I've been having cramps since my ET. The cramps did start to become severe like they were before my Endo was removed in 2011.  Yesterday they were mild and so far today knock on wood I really haven't had any. 

My period is schedule to arrive today or tomorrow!! If it comes then those beautiful embryos we transferred will be flushed out and be gone for forever!  That part really makes me sad when I think about it.  I did have quite a few symptoms of pregnancy but most are now gone. My nausea though is still around in full force. 

I have been thinking both positive and negatively. I don't want to be completely heart broken tomorrow and have our dreams crushed. We do have one frozen snow baby. However that one precious embryo may not survive the thawing process and then it's all over for us!  There is a lot riding on the outcome of tomorrow blood work. 

The waiting and uncertainty is breaking me in some ways. I am off tomorrow and will spend the day cleaning and waiting for that phone call.  If the test is positive I probably will announce it sooner rather than later because I will be too excited to hold it in. If it negative I will make a post before Friday evening. Regardless our parents and siblings will be notified first.  Those few special ladies that are my rocks (y'all know who you are) will find out tomorrow night after them. The world will have to wait until we are ready to say nay or YAY! 

No matter what the lab work shows we can say we tried everything we could to have our own baby!  This has been such a hard, long, exhausting, emotional and crazy journey most will never understand. So please keep us in your thoughts and or prayers tomorrow as we find out if we will be blessed with a pregnancy that will lead to a baby or babies!!!!  

Until next time.........

Ovary Gymnastics & Update

It's been 4 days since our 5 day transfer (4dp5dt).  I've been having some cramping, sore breasts, bloating, and tired.  All normal signs for this part of the process, that is until last night.

Yesterday, started like every other day this week mild cramping which was manageable.  Then last night I started having horrible cramps.  Cramps that were as bad as the ones before my Endometriosis was removed.  It brought me to my knees then to a ball in the floor.  It didn't last too long but hurt like HELL!  Finally it went away and then came back on and off fora while.  I emailed the nurse this morning and I was told to go in for an ultrasound to make sure I didn't have a cyst rupture or having Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome.  Well, the good news is no cysts, no free fluid, no real signs internally of OHSS!  The ultrasound reviled that my ovary had been doing gymnastics and is sitting on top of my uterus!!!!  I know what your thinking...how in the world did that happen?!?!?!?!  I was thinking the same thing too.  My ovary, needless to say is a free spirit that has it's own idea of where it should be and what tit should do.  This isn't this first time it has done something whacky however this is the whackiest!!  It has been behind my uterus almost stuck to it, and caught in my intestines.  Neither one of those really caused me this much pain or really any pain.  I have scar tissue from my surgeries and adhesion's so I guess I'm "more" prone to this sort of craziness.  Tylenol doesn't help so there's no point in continuing to take it.  I can't use a heating pad, take ibuprofen or any pain meds, or really do anything about it.  My RE did say that she believes the pain is coming from the ovary just sitting on the ovary and not due to extreme uterine cramping.  She did do blood work to see if I need more hormonal support.  We will know tomorrow.   So I will live with it.

Other possibilities that could also be playing a roll in my pain is that my embryos are implanting which is our goal by doing this, or I could be PMSing because they aren't and my period will come.  If it is implanting it should be done with that today-Sunday :)  I am doing everything I can to stay positive.  It is still to early to tell...well somewhat.  Wednesday I will do my blood test.  However, I could possibly get a positive home pregnancy test (BFP) before then.  The trigger hCG shot is 100% out of my system so if I get a line then it is REAL!

We recieved our completed embryo report from the Embryologist today.  Here is everything it said and some is a recap.
14 eggs retrieved
13 mature
8 fertilized
2 embryos
1 cryopreserved (frozen for later use)
5 not suitable for cryopreservation 

We were hoping for more than 1 to be cryopreserved but we will take it.  1 is DEFINITELY better than none!!!!

The next few days will hopefully go by fast.  John is being all patient and I am well NOT!  I'm sure you all can understand why......If not I don't know what to tell ya.

I believe that everything happens for a reason and I don't know why this is happening to us.  I like to think we are good people and that we deserve a family.  We have our own home, steady income, the means to take care of a baby and so much love to give.  Maybe this is happening so I can bring awareness to people about Endometriosis or Infertility.  I am really not sure.  No matter how many people whine and complain I will continue to blog about it.  I know life isn't fair but this truly isn't fair!

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, not harm you. Plans to give you a hope and future." Jeremiah 29:11

Anyways.......So please continue to have us in your thoughts and prayers.  We have come a long way.  We are hoping and praying for the best possible outcome.  

Until next time......

Embryo Transfer

If anything doesn't make sense or is spelled wrong its because of the valium. 

Today was the BIG day!! 8 eggs were fertilized and 2 became Blastocyst sooner than expected. 5 are almost Blastocyst and sadly one is slowing down in growth and probably won't make it to the freeze. They will monitor the embryos until tomorrow. If they are good quality they will be cryopreserved and used at a later time if needed. 

We are fortunate that they have all survived this long. It goes to show that my doctors and Embryologist know what they are doing :) 

We went in wanting transfer 2. We were advised of the risk of doing 2 and decided to only transfer 1. After a evaluation of the 2 blastocyst right before we for started they decided on the original plan of transferring both was a good idea. One started to slow in growth but was still good quality.  There is a good possibility of twins!! Here are our beautiful Blastocyst that were transferred:

Aren't they beautiful???  This is what a embryo at Day 5 looks like!!!!  

I took a Valium to help relax my muscles. We sont want my uterus contracting yet. I had to drink 66 ounces of water right before this to have my bladder full. I was nervous on peeing on my doctor but I didn't :) I was so relaxed. The ultrasound machine was going and you could see all my lady business on the screen. I didn't even fill the catheter go into the cervix. Once that was done the Embryologist came in with another catheter that had the embryos in it. That was placed into the other one and then he carefully positioned the tip where they wanted it. Once positioned he pushed the fluid containing the embryos into the uterus. The ultrasound showed they placed the embryos in he right place.  It also showed the fluid containing the embryos fill up the uterus. It was absolutely amazing to see that!!!  Then he put the catheter under the microscope to ensure they made it out and they did. I laid there for 10 minutes and then got dressed. First pit stop the bathroom :D. Second pit stop was at McDonalds. 

I go in 9 days for a blood test. If its positive I have to do another test to confirm. I'll eventually be released from the RE and will be seen by a OBGYN. 

As of right now I am considered PUPO or Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise!!! Holy cow Batman I have embryos in me :D 

Well that all folks :) :) 

Until next time.....

IVF Cycle #1 Break Down

Some people think a IVF Cycle is easy and takes no time or no effort.... WRONG.  It is 1,000% emotional,exhausting, frustrating, and many other things.  I am not going to sit here and act like it the hardest thing that one will do in life because it isn't but it's close enough.  It takes a lot of time, pain, traveling to the doctors office (mine is over an hour away one way), pills, inserts, injections, patience and most importantly support.

I'm going to break down this cycle for you so some can see what it really takes.  It is lengthy but it is reality for some of us that this is what it takes to have a baby or babies!

Summary:
19 BC Pills
13 Injections.. 12 done in my stomach by myself or husband
7 Endometrin Inserts....77 more to do
6 DR visits for B/W
6 U/S
1 Egg Retrieval with 14 eggs :D :D :D :D
8 Fertilized Eggs :D :D :D :D
1 soon to happen Embryo Transfer
1-2 soon to happen blood  pregnancy test
Ovarian Hyserstimulation Syndrome which at this time is mild.
THIS ONLY A SMALL PORTION OF WHAT SOME HAVE TO DO!!!

Here is a complete history of our IVF Cycle #1 from start to Monday. 

IVF Cycle #1
6/19 Consult with my Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE)
6/22-6/27 AF came to visit
6/24 Day 3 B/W
                   E2 29
                   FSH 9.6
                   TSH 3.10
                   Prolactin 8.0
6/26 Start Junel Fe Birth Control Pills
6/28 B/W
                   Chickenpox, Measles- Immune
                   Cystic Fibrosis
                   Ab, RBC w/ REFL Titer
                   RPR
                   HIV 1/2
                   HepB Core Ab Total
                   HCV Ab
                   HBsAG Screen
                   ALL OF THE ABOVE TEST WERE NEGATIVE OR NON REACTIVE
                   TSH 2.16
                   ABO Group O
                   Rh Factor +
7/14 Stop Junel Fe
7/15 Suppression Check via B/W & U/S
                   E2 <25.0
                   U/S RT Ovary normal values
7/17 Aunt Flo came to visit again
7/19 Gonal-F subQ injection

7/20 Gonal-F subQ injection
7/21 Gonal-F subQ injection
7/22 Gonal-F subQ injection
7/23 Gonal-F subQ injection
7/24 B/W & U/S
                    E2 173.2
                    U/S RT Ovary Follicles
                    R1 12.7mm
                    R2 8.62mm
       Gonal-F subQ injection
7/25  Gonal-F subQ injection
7/26 B/W & US
                     E2 320.7
                     LH 0.6
                     U/s RT Ovary Follicles
                     R1 13.92mm
                     R2 12.32mm
                     R3 10.98mm
                     R4 11.33mm
7/26 Gonal-F subQ injection
7/27 Gonal-F subQ injection
        Ganirelix subQ injection

7/28 Follistim AQ subQ injection
        Ganirelix subQ injection

7/29 B/W & U/S

                     E2 702.3

                     LH 0.5

                     U/S RT Ovary Follicles

                     10 viable follies seen and are ready to go :)

        hCG Trigger shot given at 1900

 

7/30 A MUCH NEEDED BREAK FROM PILLS, B/W, U/S AND INJECTIONS :)

7/31 Egg Retrieval (ER)

                     14 eggs retrieved

                     13 viable

         Start Endometrin Progesterone Vaginal Insert

8/1 8 FERTILIZED EGGS were confirmed

         Start Endometrin 3 times a day, 8 hours apart

8/2 Endometrin TID

8/3 Endometrin TID 

8/4 Endometrin TID

       Phone call to confirm Embryo Transfer(ET) for following day.  Find out how many Blastocysts

       we have. Receive further instructions.

8/5 Embryo Transfer

As you can see this isn't an overnight process.  It takes time.  Everything is precisely planned out prior to even starting.  The doctors obviously tweak things if they need too.  I had to have an extra dose of FSH to make my follicles mature faster overnight and it worked :D  

Monday is only 3 days away..YIKES.... Thankfully John is able to go with me.  It is going to be amazing to look at the ultrasound screen and see the fluid containing our babies be injected into my uterus.  Between 12-14 days after the transfer we will do a BhCG test.  If it is positive we will do another one a few days later to make sure my hCG levels are continuing to increase.  It may test positive even if it doesn't take because of the hCG trigger shot.  I am still getting a positive when I take a pregnancy test.  Yes, I am taking a test every morning to see that line fade so I can hopefully see a more solid line in a few weeks :)  The line is actually almost gone :) 

Well ladies and possible gents that is what a IVF cycle looks like.  I know it is a lot to take in but we are still processing it all even now.  

Well until next time....

Egg Retrieval and Zygotes

I am going to try to make this short and sweet considering I was told to immediately leave work and go home and rest today.  I am showing signs of Hyperstimulation :(  I will be okay I just need to drinks lots of electrolytes, eat massive amounts of protein and rest.  I can so do that :)

Yesterday was the retrieval.  John did his thing and then they started on me.  Once I was under sedation the used the ultrasound wand to guide a 12 inch needle into my vagina and pierced the vaginal wall.  They guided the needle up to my ovary and aspirated my eggs.  Sounds painful right??  I'm very thankful I was knocked out for that part.  After about an hour after the procedure we left.  I was craving bacon so I had a BLT... It was so amazing then again I hadn't had for in over 15 hours so I think anything would have been good.

Today I got a glorious call from the nurse.  Here is what she said we had:
 14 Eggs Retrieved ( a HELL of a lot more than expected!!!!!!)
13 Viable Eggs (1 was no where close to being mature)
1 Non Viable Egg
AND HERE COMES THE BEST PART........
8 FERTILIZED EGGS (Zygotes)

That's right we have 8 potential babies in the lab right now.  I am so happy I've been crying on and off all day!!!  They haven't been graded yet but they said the looked great so far!!  Tomorrow they will be graded on quality and they will decide what is best for the eggs a Day 3 Transfer or a Day 5 Transfer!

We are so happy and excited!  Things got really, Really, REALLY REAL with that phone call.  Now anything can happen between now and tomorrow tot the eggs but we are hopeful all 8 will survive!  Here is a picture of what developing embryos look like from the time of fertilization to the time of transfer:

Day 0- Eggs are retrieved and sperm is introduced
Day 1- The egg is officially fertilized and it is now called a zygote!

Day 2- The zygote starts to divide and replicate. The embryos has now become a 4-cell embryo. This is the stage some embryos will be frozen at.

Day 3- It is now an 8 cell embryo

Day 4- They call this Morula. This is the stage right before blastocyst.  At this stage it is around 12-30 cells that have developed. It is at this stage that the sac around the embryo starts to disintegrate in preparation for blastocyst.

Day 5- Blastocyst stage!! This is the great day when they do the transfer. There are less than 100 cells at this point and it is almost ready to implant in the uterus lining. The cells are breaking out of the sac. Within the blastocyst there are 2 types of cells. There is an inner cell mass that will soon begin to divide rapidly and develop into the fetus. The outer mass will eventually turn into the placenta. 

Hopefully tomorrow we will get wonderful news like we did today :D  Prayers that our fertilized eggs will continue to grow like they are supposed to would be appreciated! 

Until next time.....