Well, this post is about something I don't really share with many people. When I was 19 I had a miscarriage. I finally realized that I shouldn't be ashamed of it, that it is part of me, and it is still causing pain. Here is my story.........
I got pregnant at 19 years old. I found out on April 1st. Everyone thought it was an April's Fools joke but it was not. I started having sharp pain in my side and I called my doctor I had then. He said it could be ectopic and go to the ER, they would be waiting for me. So I did what he told me to do. Sure enough I was pregnant and I was around 7-8 weeks pregnant. I didn't know what to say or think besides I had to take responsibility for my and my then boyfriends actions. They did an ultrasound and they said they could not see anything in the uterus but they could see something around my tube. They said it was ectopic before looking any further. They gave me a double dose of Methotrexate. They said they would test my hCG levels in two days to see if the drug was working or not.
April 3, 2009 I went and had lab work done. I got a call within an hour after having my blood drawn saying the medicine wasn't working and my hormones were rising. I had to have an Emergency Laparotomy so the "ectopic" pregnancy didn't force m tube to rupture. I was scared, nervous and a little relived in a odd way. I wasn't ready to have a baby by no means, but I had too. I went into surgery and finally woke up in the recovery room. I was in so much pain it wasn't even funny. I finally saw the doctor and he told me I was going to have a baby!!! I think every curse word came out of my mouth! I went into surgery thinking I would wake up and not be pregnant anymore, instead I woke up and still was! I was in total shock. I had to stay a few nights in the hospital. They told me I would still most likely have a miscarriage. I was more more afraid of the miscarriage than the thought of having the baby. I didn't know what to expect or what to do. I was given medication to take once I started to bleed to produce contractions so I would pass everything on my own.
A week and a half later, I woke up with mild cramps and then I started bleeding. IT WAS MY WORST NIGHTMARE!!! The pain and bleeding lasted hours. Finally, it was over. I remember how heartbroken I was. Imagine looking at that an thinking that was just inside of you, and was to be a beautiful baby. It was anything but beautiful.
Every time I see my scar across my stomach I am reminded of the pain, heartache, and horror that took place. I think what life would be like if I didn't have a miscarriage. I didn't loose a blob of tissue... I lost my baby!
It breaks my heart that I got pregnant with a guy I couldn't stand, and now I am unable to have children with my husband without help from science. I do my best not to beat myself up about this but at times it is hard. John and I have been through a lot and we have a lot more to go through before the "happy road".
It is believed that the surgery to remove what they thought was an ectopic pregnancy caused my endometrial tissue to escape the uterus and cause my Endometriosis. They also think it may of caused my tube to become obstructed. They are looking into what was done.
Remember, life is precious and your decisions have consequences. I learned the hard way.
Until next time.......
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