Well, this post is about something I don't really share with many people. When I was 19 I had a miscarriage. I finally realized that I shouldn't be ashamed of it, that it is part of me, and it is still causing pain. Here is my story.........
I got pregnant at 19 years old. I found out on April 1st. Everyone thought it was an April's Fools joke but it was not. I started having sharp pain in my side and I called my doctor I had then. He said it could be ectopic and go to the ER, they would be waiting for me. So I did what he told me to do. Sure enough I was pregnant and I was around 7-8 weeks pregnant. I didn't know what to say or think besides I had to take responsibility for my and my then boyfriends actions. They did an ultrasound and they said they could not see anything in the uterus but they could see something around my tube. They said it was ectopic before looking any further. They gave me a double dose of Methotrexate. They said they would test my hCG levels in two days to see if the drug was working or not.
April 3, 2009 I went and had lab work done. I got a call within an hour after having my blood drawn saying the medicine wasn't working and my hormones were rising. I had to have an Emergency Laparotomy so the "ectopic" pregnancy didn't force m tube to rupture. I was scared, nervous and a little relived in a odd way. I wasn't ready to have a baby by no means, but I had too. I went into surgery and finally woke up in the recovery room. I was in so much pain it wasn't even funny. I finally saw the doctor and he told me I was going to have a baby!!! I think every curse word came out of my mouth! I went into surgery thinking I would wake up and not be pregnant anymore, instead I woke up and still was! I was in total shock. I had to stay a few nights in the hospital. They told me I would still most likely have a miscarriage. I was more more afraid of the miscarriage than the thought of having the baby. I didn't know what to expect or what to do. I was given medication to take once I started to bleed to produce contractions so I would pass everything on my own.
A week and a half later, I woke up with mild cramps and then I started bleeding. IT WAS MY WORST NIGHTMARE!!! The pain and bleeding lasted hours. Finally, it was over. I remember how heartbroken I was. Imagine looking at that an thinking that was just inside of you, and was to be a beautiful baby. It was anything but beautiful.
Every time I see my scar across my stomach I am reminded of the pain, heartache, and horror that took place. I think what life would be like if I didn't have a miscarriage. I didn't loose a blob of tissue... I lost my baby!
It breaks my heart that I got pregnant with a guy I couldn't stand, and now I am unable to have children with my husband without help from science. I do my best not to beat myself up about this but at times it is hard. John and I have been through a lot and we have a lot more to go through before the "happy road".
It is believed that the surgery to remove what they thought was an ectopic pregnancy caused my endometrial tissue to escape the uterus and cause my Endometriosis. They also think it may of caused my tube to become obstructed. They are looking into what was done.
Remember, life is precious and your decisions have consequences. I learned the hard way.
Until next time.......
Monday, April 15, 2013
Saturday, April 13, 2013
HSG Nightmare and Options
On Wednesday I went and had my Hysterosalpinogram (HSG). This was used to see if my right tube was still obstructed, if it had opened or see if they could open it.
Things started like it normally would for an x-ray. I got onto the table and laid down. Then they start violating your lady parts. My doctor numbed my cervix and the Radiologist came in to take the x-rays. My doctor reminded me that there was a small chance that the Lupron had helped. He also said it would hurt like Hell if the tube was still closed and the dye had nowhere to go.
When we are all ready he started injecting the dye through the cervix and into the uterus. he looked at me and said its about to hurt really bad! Oh My Golly it hurt like HELL!!! My left tube is sewn shut from my previous surgeries and my right tube is still obstructed. There was a tiny portion of the tube that was open but it is right beside the uterus.
After the procedure was done and I was still in pain he started explaining things to me. He did mention that after he reviews the films we could possibly do surgery to open the tube. After the severe cramps started to get better I went home.
The next day I went to talk to my doctor. I went thinking that he could do surgery and help us. I was wrong on the surgery part, but he can help us.
I love my doctor and he decided after reviewing the films that he would not operate to fix my tube. He would have to do a major surgery to even attempt to fix it. He would have to remove the upper corner of the uterus as well and reattach it. This is very risky on many levels. When you start cutting your uterus in pieces your risking never to be able to have a baby even with IVF.
So no surgery and NO MORE LUPRON were decided to help improve my health. I will have a period in about 1-3 months and it will probably be heavy, more clotting, and very painful. So, if it turns out to be that way I will have Implanon implanted in my arm to help that. We will see if my body has decided to ovulate via ultrasound and blood work after a few cycles. The #1 thing that I have to do right now is get my thyroid under control!!!!
We also talked about how I feel and how things were going. He said he has obviously seen people in our position before and he opened up on what he thought about me. He explained to me what he saw. He said that I was thinking about right now and not my over all general and reproductive health! I realized he was right. It was hard to hear in some ways but I needed to hear it. I mean our sex life has been based off of a calendar of when I should ovulate even though I know I don't ovulate. It made me realize that I am making my husband suffer as well. It is not fair for me to do this to him or to myself. I have to think about what his needs are and my needs. I have to think about our future, getting myself health, and my reproductive health.
At the end of the day IVF and Adoption are our only option. It has caused us pain, heartache, and stress. However, we will do what is best for our family. We will one day have a beautiful family no matter how it happens.
Until next time......
Things started like it normally would for an x-ray. I got onto the table and laid down. Then they start violating your lady parts. My doctor numbed my cervix and the Radiologist came in to take the x-rays. My doctor reminded me that there was a small chance that the Lupron had helped. He also said it would hurt like Hell if the tube was still closed and the dye had nowhere to go.
When we are all ready he started injecting the dye through the cervix and into the uterus. he looked at me and said its about to hurt really bad! Oh My Golly it hurt like HELL!!! My left tube is sewn shut from my previous surgeries and my right tube is still obstructed. There was a tiny portion of the tube that was open but it is right beside the uterus.
After the procedure was done and I was still in pain he started explaining things to me. He did mention that after he reviews the films we could possibly do surgery to open the tube. After the severe cramps started to get better I went home.
The next day I went to talk to my doctor. I went thinking that he could do surgery and help us. I was wrong on the surgery part, but he can help us.
I love my doctor and he decided after reviewing the films that he would not operate to fix my tube. He would have to do a major surgery to even attempt to fix it. He would have to remove the upper corner of the uterus as well and reattach it. This is very risky on many levels. When you start cutting your uterus in pieces your risking never to be able to have a baby even with IVF.
So no surgery and NO MORE LUPRON were decided to help improve my health. I will have a period in about 1-3 months and it will probably be heavy, more clotting, and very painful. So, if it turns out to be that way I will have Implanon implanted in my arm to help that. We will see if my body has decided to ovulate via ultrasound and blood work after a few cycles. The #1 thing that I have to do right now is get my thyroid under control!!!!
We also talked about how I feel and how things were going. He said he has obviously seen people in our position before and he opened up on what he thought about me. He explained to me what he saw. He said that I was thinking about right now and not my over all general and reproductive health! I realized he was right. It was hard to hear in some ways but I needed to hear it. I mean our sex life has been based off of a calendar of when I should ovulate even though I know I don't ovulate. It made me realize that I am making my husband suffer as well. It is not fair for me to do this to him or to myself. I have to think about what his needs are and my needs. I have to think about our future, getting myself health, and my reproductive health.
At the end of the day IVF and Adoption are our only option. It has caused us pain, heartache, and stress. However, we will do what is best for our family. We will one day have a beautiful family no matter how it happens.
Until next time......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Hoping and Praying....
