First, John and I FINALLY moved from CT back to VA! Praise The Lord.. No seriously it is a blessing to be out of there and back to familiar southern land. We were sad to leave our friends and pretty scenery and that's about it.
Second, John's job sent a way. I can't wait to hug and kiss him especially after everything that has happened since he left.
On June 3rd it was our two year wedding anniversary :)
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| Us right after we said " I DO" on 6/3/12 |
Anyways.... Who really thinks when they grow up they will actually have a problem doing something so natural like getting pregnant? We didn't that's for sure. I figured a nice dinner, some wine, have some romantic candles and music, jump into bed, and BAM two weeks later a positive pregnancy test.
Well as y'all know that isn't what happened, still hasn't happened and after a new test may never happen for us. Yeah, yeah I know don't be so negative but I have to face reality.
One thing that we have found out is that I am not the only one that has some issues. John has a significant amount of round cells in his semen. What's round cells you ask? They are just that round cells. They can be WBCs or immature sperm. This is from prostate inflammation. This alone can cause fertility problems even if I was "normal" We do not know what has caused it but we do know it isn't an STD or STI. He was given antibiotics to see if that helps reduce the inflammation. He has to go under more testing when he is able to and that will also tell us if the medication helped.
Now for the stab to the heart and uterus............
I went to see a new RE on Wednesday, June 4th. I spoke to an OBGYN, a resident and then the RE. She said she wanted to re check the patency of my right tube that was opened in December. Remember we tried January, and February without success. She could do a Saline Sonogram right then and there or I'd have to wait to for an HSG. Since I'm allergic to the HSG dye I decided to just do the ultrasound. Now I can do the HSG but after a day and a half protocol of Benadryl and Prednisone. So I had to POAS so they could verify I wasn't pregnant. I wasn't obviously. I went to another room and did the normal routine for me. Undress from the waist down. Lay on the table. Put my butt at the end of the table. Drape the sheet over me. Prop my feet into the stirrups and patiently wait to get started. Well this day I had about 10 residents in the room, 2 nurses, 1 OBGYN and 1 RE.... Talk about an awkward party! I was asked prior if the residents could attend. At this point in our journey I could careless if there was 50 medical staff in there. I just wanted to know what was going on. After everyone took turns looking under the sheet we started with the prep. They inserted a nice long catheter with a balloon into my uterus. Placement was verified via transvaginal ultrasound. Once in place and everyone once again looked at my lady parts to see what was happening we moved on. They began to inject the saline into the catheter. They were pushing so hard and fast the fluid couldn't go through fast enough so saline was gushing out of the syringe end into the floor and everywhere. Holy cow my uterus felt like it was exploding and or I was going to have sporadic diarrhea. Don't worry neither happened it was just from the pressure. So I immediately was drawn back tot he pain of my HSG when the tube was blocked. This was the exact same pain as then. The same look of sadness across each of the medical staffs team. I knew what they were going to say......Instead of saying what I thought they said we are going to give it a few minutes. They were still pushing more syringes of fluid into my uterus so the pain was still occurring. Finally after 8 minutes which felt like a lifetime they removed the ultrasound wand and the catheter. They all looked at each other and then at me. My heart sank and finally the RE said, "Sara, I am very sorry but your right tube is closed again. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear. There is also nothing we can do. Your body is obviously blocking that tube for a reason and we can not do another surgery on it. Your tube is either diseased or damaged or both. Another surgery will cause more harm than good at this point. Your options are to do IVF again, adopt or learn to live childless."
Holy mother of batman people!!! You've got to be kidding me!!!!! What a damn nightmare!
So what are we going to do now.... Besides trying to have an HSG done to verify the findings of the ultrasound your guess is as good as ours. With John away he can't be retested and we really can't discuss what we want or are going to do. I do know one thing though if we do IVF again I am going to really want to use a surrogate. We can't really afford that right now or adoption but I want our baby to have a wonderful environment to grow in for 8.5 months not a warzone like mine. Come onI can't just walk up to a woman and say hey want to carry my baby for me or hey do you want that baby your pregnant with? Well I could but that may be awkward! My TSH is also to high for fertility purposes and they still won't treat that...SHOCKER! I am currently looking into IVF clinics, Surrogacy, Adoption, and Foster Care. Living childless is just not an option to us. We are to damn deserving to not give a child rather it's our own flesh and blood or not a good, stable, caring and loving home. My heart has been officially ripped out stomped on and halfway back in my chest. I think it really is coming to light that we may never have biological children. It's one of those nightmares that just won't stop which is very discouraging.
God has some sort of plan but I just don't understand it at ALL! I know He will provide in many ways and His will, will be done but sometimes it's hard to see that. I just need to keep having hope and faith!
Until next time........................
If your going to pray for us please pray for John. He wants to be here with me so bad but duty to this country comes first. I wish he was here so we can support one another throw this.
IF YOU ARE A PARENT OR ARE PREGNANT PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU HAVE BEEN TRULY BLESSED AND NEVER TAKE THAT FOR GRANTED.
IF YOUR STUGGLING LIKE IS KEEP THE HOPE AND FAITH! KEEP PUSHING ON AND DO EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO MAKE YOUR DREAM A REALITY!!
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